Depart: Minneapolis, MN

I've never understood how airline fares are calculated. Listed on my Yahoo fares, Providence, RI is $233 and Paris is $262 (no, not Paris, Texas). London is $367 and Hartford, CT is $344. Cyber savers aside, airfare prices never seem to correlate in price and distance traveled.

Yep, can you guess who's been skulking around orbitz.com and travel.yahoo.com?

I also realize I'm no longer the intrepid traveler. For instance, hostels are no longer fun and adventurous; instead, they're cramped and dormitory-like (you know, reminiscent of the men's dorms in the basement stinking of sweaty gym socks). I've slowly crept away from the lonely 1-star for the total glitz and glamour of 2-stars, a 2-and-a-half-star for a special occasion. This saddens me.

The nicest hotel I've stayed in was in Toronto, the Metropolitan. An endless supply of blanket-sized white towels and a view that pigeons would shit for. Paid for by my job. The worst was, well, I can't remember the name but I do remember waking up to that husky-looking cockroach perched on the pillow beside me. It was singing, "Wake up, little Susie, wake up," his little antennae waving around like batons.