dawdling

With internet cable and a week off from work, I've been surfing up a storm. I'm obsessed with shopping online for furniture, Friendster, and deciding how to spend my evenings in the upcoming months.

What I should be concentrating on is quickly unpacking boxes, cleaning up hairballs, and buying groceries.

But I'm on vacation. So I dawdle.

I've also been checking up on a few films underway. Wes Anderson's The Life Aquatic, with Bill Murray and Cate Blanchett, is in production, though I can't find the US release date. I'm also impatiently awaiting Kitchen Stories (please come to mini-apple!); Tarantino's Kill Bill (pow*pop*kick!); Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl (despite dopey Ben and a brief cameo by J Lo); Envy with Stiller and Jack Black; and Jim Jarmusch's Coffee and Cigarettes (with cameos by Meg and Jack White).

I haven't seen any good films lately. I saw a bad one though, Serendipity. Sappy, saccharine, hokey. It's frustrating when the supporting actors have more oomph than the leads. In this case, Jeremy Piven and Molly Shannon completely outshine the lackluster Kate Beckinsale and whiny John Cusack. [Note to John: John, you were adorable in Say Anything, but that's because high school angst only works for teen-aged roles. I think it's time to find a new angle.]

I step away from the monitor from time to time. I picked up a copy of Ian Frazier's Family last week. I'd read his essay, "Take the F," and fell in love with the way he strings his words together. The opening line to Family begins, "The Twentieth Century began on a Tuesday." I think Mr. Frazier and I will get along just fine.

Time to get a move on. Happy New Years, everyone! And don't forget to check your heels for trailing toilet paper.

Visiting the family and football mania

In the world of college football, South Carolina's two major opposing teams are Carolina Gamecocks and Clemson Tigers.

Some Gamecock devotees support their team by wearing tee-shirts with refined slogans like "Our Cocks Can't Be Beat!" "Can't Lick Our Cocks!" and "Our Cocks Will Always Score!"

Nice.

Back in middle school, I rooted for the Clemson Tigers. Not for the stuffed tail that clips onto the back of your pants, or the plush ears attached to headbands, but because I liked the color orange.

anything goes

Have you heard of Found? Our friend gave us a subscription to this neat little mag. It's a compilation of found "love letters, birthday cards, kids' homework, to-do lists, ticket stubs, poetry on napkins, doodles--anything that gives a glimpse into someone else's life. Anything goes."

Such as this:

not a cookie
FOUND by chris wegscheid, minneapolis



i found this on the floor of my office, but i don't know where it came from. we don't have any Barbs, and we rarely have cookies. i did have a box of concrete samples in my office earlier in the day, some of which, i suppose, were vaguely cookie-shaped, so it might've fallen out of that. i don't know for sure.

I'll begin scouring sidewalks and countertops today. Who knows what's to be found. Makes me want to leave cryptic, little messages around town. [I know that's cheating. Don't worry.]

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Found stirs up ideas I'd heard of long ago and have always wanted to try.

One is to take a favorite book of yours, write a little about yourself and why you liked the book, and leave it behind--on a bench, at a museum, on a bus, wherever--for someone else to find. Leave directions to either take the book and enjoy it, or leave it for someone else to pick up. It's like a chain letter, only it's longer than a letter and not as annoying.

Or, instead of a book, choose an object and create a "passport" for it. A 4th grade class sent off a teddy bear with a student traveling to France. The student was told give the bear and passport to another traveler, ask her to fill out the passport with anything they wanted (bio info, stories, anything) and have them pass it on. The passport had 30 pages, along with instructions to send it back to the class once all the pages were filled. (I don't know if Teddy ever made it back.)

And there's J's favorite, Where's George, though we couldn't figure out how to get a dollar started. It follows the "lives" of many George Washington bills.

Big pats on the back, you's guys

To Therese, Zach, Eric, Eric, Lisa and Ron, thank you, tenfold, for risking three flights of terribly rickety stairs to help J and me move. It would've been impossible (or more truthfully, too horrific) to do without your help. We can't thank you enough. I only wish I'd thought of buying tubes of Aspercreme to hand out afterwards.

The first box unpacked was marked "DVDs." Priorities, priorities. In the initial two hours in our new place, we rested our weary bones while watching Amelie. Sigh.

I can do cartwheels in the hallway. Logistically, if not physically.

New apartments/homes are exciting. The walls are freshly painted [white]. It's like starting with a blank canvas.

prince sounds so juicy

especially after several shots of vodka

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No!

I'm going down 2 Alphabet Street
I'm gonna crown the first girl that I meet
I'm gonna talk so sexy
She'll want me from my head 2 my feet

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yes she will
Yeah, yeah, yeah (Yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm gonna drive my daddy's Thunderbird (My daddy's thunderbird)
A white rad ride, '66 ('67) so glam it's absurd
I'm gonna put her in the back seat
And drive her 2 ... Tennessee

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Tennessee
Yeah, yeah, yeah, drive her

Excuse me, baby
I don't mean 2 be rude
But I guess tonight I'm just not, I'm just not in the mood
So if U don't mind (Yeah, yeah, yeah)
I would like to...watch

Yeah, yeah, yeah...can I?
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah (Can I, can I, can I, can I)

We're going down, down, down, if that's the only way
2 make this cruel, cruel world hear what we've got to say
Put the right letters together and make a better day

Yeah, yeah, yeah, better days
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's O-O-K
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Maybe it's the only way
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Cat, we need U 2 rap
Cat, we need U 2 rap
Don't give 2 us slow
Cause we know U know
New Power Soul
Gotta gotta gotta go!

Talk 2 me lover
Come on tell me what U taste
Didn't your mama tell U
Life is 2 good 2 waste? (Put your love down)
Didn't she tell U
That Lovesexy was the glam of them all?
If U can hang, U can trip on it
U surely won't fall (Put your love down)
No side effects and
The feeling last 4-ever
Straight up - it tastes good
It makes U feel clever (Put your love down)
U kiss your enemies
Like U know U should
Then U jerk your body
Like a horny pony would (Put your love down)
U jerk your body like a horny pony would
Now run and tell your mama about that!

And while U're at it tell your papa about this

Yeah-yeah

Put your love down there when u wanna get shot

No! (Yeah, yeah)

Put your love down there when u wanna get shot
Put your love down there when u wanna get shot
Put your love down there when u wanna get shot

Put your love down there...

Get home, Alphabet Street

No!

L-L-L-L-Lovesexy

Yea, Oh, Alphabet Street
Yea, Oh, Alphabet Street

A B C D E F H I love U

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Now, Prince can get away with saying "yeah" nine times in one measure without sounding gauche. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How many euphemisms, would you guess, does he have for the verb "fuck?" My guess, total shot in the dark, 42.

If he were ever to write a children's book, not only would I reserve a copy, I'd come back to buy it. And I'd be looking for words like "cream" and "crown."

Bush in 30 Seconds

It's no surprise the name "Bush" would inspire heated reaction. But who knew how entertaining it would be?

When we started up this contest we thought we would call our efforts a success if we got 300 ads submitted. But with more than 1,000 ads sent in we know we are on to something. Something big. People want to get the message out about what George W. Bush is really doing to our country.

You can only view 20 per day. But I encourage you, settle down in a comfy spot in front of your PC/Mac and vote. It's a good 20 minutes spent.

Spending Holiday Money

Wow, there's a place in Minneapolis for a real martini. We're talking big and strong. Just in time for the holidays, why not ask for a watch that will store your life's story? Finally, when you're out of money for new music, tune into internet radio, it beats the airwaves.

forfeit a gyno visit

A little girl, 6 maybe 7 years old, was shopping with her mom at Snyder's drugstore. She was wearing purple Power Puff Girls snowboots.

She spots a headband on the shelf. Attached to the top is a set of stuffed, fuzzy antlers. Her mother immediately says "No."

"I just want to see it." She picks it up. She starts to hum. "Ooh, it's so neat!"

Her mother repeats herself. "No." She adds wearily, "Put it down."

The little girl continues humming. She puts it on. Her head bounces from shoulder to shoulder. "But don't I look soooo cute?" She lets her head fall back to look at her mom, her face dimpling in an insincere smile. She smoothes the bangs of her eyes. "I'm just so cute, aren't I!"

Silence. The tired mom stares down at her.

"Please can I have it? Pretty please? Please, please mama!?" The smile on the girl's face is fast disappearing, her face quickly turning sour. "I want it!"

The mom continues to stare at her. Finally, she says defeatedly, "Fine. Take it off."

"I can get it?! Yay!" yips the girl, flinging the headband over her shoulder which lands in the cart. She's already moving onto the next aisle.

And that, folks, is the finest birthcontrol on the market.

Dear Santa,

I hope you've had a good year so far. I know it's a busy time for you and the Elves, so I won't waste your time with idle chitchat.

What I want for Christmas is a pair of shoes. Boots, to be exact. Plaid boots. Pretty, plaid boots with a little spunk. And I've been pretty good this year too. [Pay no attention to those Christmas cards I sent out earlier today.]

I'm enclosing a picture in case you arrive at the warehouse unprepared.



You're a pretty hip, happenin' guy, you can always order online too. While you're surfin' there, Santy, look around their website. They have a very interesting film.

Any hoo, I hope the other reindeer have stopped calling Rudolph rude names. You know, I hear Kleenex now has a brand of tissue with lotion built RIGHT INSIDE. Will wonders never cease, eh Clausy?

Say hi to the missus, and give some good whacks to ol' rumps of the other reindeer.

With love and peace,
s

'tis the season

Every year, I say I'll make my own Christmas cards for friends and family celebrating this annual festivity. And this year, I finally did it.

I'll share with you the three cheery designs created to spread the buttery love.

* WARNING: These pdfs are BIG. Be ready to hit the [Ctrl] and [-] buttons to shrink 'em down. *

"Merry Christmas!"

"Lump of coal?"

"Let's share."

Eugene, the marvelous crooning child

This kid does an eerie yet compelling version of The WHO "medley."

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Optimize Your Career Choices

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money."

The teacher, shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "he works for the Bush administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Thanks for the joke, G. Very nice.

E. T. phone home

I have lost my phone. Those who know me know this is not uncommon.

I didn't realize I'd lost it. How did I find out? I got a call from a friend. My friend said she got a call from someone looking for me. This "someone" found my phone. In fact, they were calling from it.

So, I'm calling my phone to try and reach this person. I've called twice from work, a number which caller ID should recognize. I left a text message. How else do I try to reach this person?

How strange to have someone calling my friends, looking for me, calling from my phone.

Strange and kind of creepy.

UPDATE: J got a call from the person with my phone. This time, they called from their own phone. The phone was safely tucked away at a halfway house (!) Apparently, it sought refuge from the abuse I gave it. That, or I left it on the bus. A counselor found it and brought it to work with her in south Minneapolis.

When I walked in to retrieve it, a group of teens? young adults? were sitting on the couch, listening half-heartedly to a counselor talking fervently with his hands. Walking back to the car, I looked through my outgoing calls. Over 7 or 8 calls to friends and family. I had a few cryptic messages, "hey, so did she find you?" "your phone, do you have it?" Yes, the phone is safe.

Temporarily.

p.s.

I'm watching Modern Times with Charlie Chaplin (who wrote it, directed it, composed the music for it, and of course, starred in it). All I've got to say, what a little cutie pie.

'scuse me, your nosicles are showing

I'm still acclimating myself to these Minnesota winters, despite this being my fifth here. Have to remember the hat and gloves. Need another pair of long johns. Better buy another bottle of Lubriderm. About those gloves, where did I put them...

Friends and family down south still can't believe how cold it gets up here. To enlighten one, imagine: icicles forming on your nose hair. On an extremely windy day, I can't open my eyes completely or else contacts will dry up or freeze off. There are over four outdoor skating rinks within 10 miles from my apartment. They can last through March, at least.


Here are some helpful pointers that have helped me adjust to winter life:

Always lotion, lotion, lotion up. Legs, arms, face, everywhere. Chafing is not fun.

Regarding the winter coat, it's okay if function wins over fashion.

Stock up on movies. Expect to work on projects at home. 'Cause the half hour it takes to get bundled up to go outside can be better spent learning your complicated DVD/CD/VCR/TV remote.

Take advantage of the Static Guard 2 for 1 deal at Target.

Snow angels are not always a good idea.

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The Inuit Eskimos have ten words for snow:

sikko - ice
tingenek - bare ice
aput - snow (in general)
pukak - snow (like salt)
mauja - soft deep snow
tipvigut - snowdrift
massak - soft snow
mangokpok - watery snow
massalerauvok - snow filled with water
akkilokipok - soft snow

and of course, there's an 11th word to add, caninepok, meaning 'yellow snow'

Elvis has entered the building

--the one on the corner of Hennepin and Lake.

Bubba Ho-tep is playing at the Landmark Theatre for one week only a short time only! Elvis, played by Army leader Bruce Campbell and his Killer Chin, and JFK (Ossie Davis) battle soul-sucking Egyptian mummies. Goody!

S, M, L or XL?

During a layover at a train station in Switzerland, a girl with a strong southern accent asked me for the time. She was lugging a large camera bag. We soon discovered, not only did we share alma maters, we'd taken photography from the same art professor.

On a bus heading to Marrakesh, a man wearing a light blue Charlotte Hornets cap boarded the bus. My college is located twenty minutes south of Charlotte.

At a hostel in Budapest, I met a guy from my hometown whose brother's band played at some parties I'd been to in high school. His good friend Lia was a college R.A. of mine.

In an Italian hilltown, Civita, my friend Kat and I befriended two fellow Americans. One lived twenty minutes away from my cousin in Minneapolis. Days later, I checked into a hostel and saw the two lounging in the lobby. Now five years later, I live twenty minutes away from my cousin and the new (now old) friend.

When my parents were visiting from S.C., my dad bumped into a friend and fellow golfer at the Mall of America who was visiting Minnesota on business. Later that day, we saw him at a Korean restaurant in Saint Paul.

Today, I discovered that two Friendsters, who live states away and have never met (at least to my knowledge), are connected by three degrees each from the very same person.

It's a small world after all.

Foot In Mouth Award winner, Donald Rumsfeld

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns, there are things we know we know," Rumsfeld said.

"We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

strange news brews aplenty